this week has been tough. i have been thinking alot more than usual, getting wasted on wednesday certainly didnt help but it was fun!

sigh, im still trying to come to a rational, practical decision on what to do now. i am obviously not any happier, i dont know if you are. if you're not, then what are we even doing apart?! i dont know, im too naive. i dont think far ahead like you, i dont do all of that but.. sometimes, isnt it good just to be happy? i think, i am the complete opposite of a badass. one of my new friends just told me this yesterday "wa actually, you not much of a baddass sia, you're quite a emo thinking boy you gay shit" hahahaha. i guess people like the idea, but when they figure im not that, they go.

gay shit....

supper club and ntu talk tomorrow! hope its fun. and grr i need to fucking sleep.

Imu iwu.....


ILU

nice right. song actually starts around 1.40

sigh, i want you.

I borrowed the djies bike and cycled to east coast park. It's a beautiful evening, you'd wish you were here! An airplane just flew over the top of me! I enjoy the serenity and calmness of this place, with only my tiny green iPod for company, I know I have everything that I NEED now.

Yet, it's so beautiful ( except for the flying insects) that I wish you were here.


And gosh I'm addicted to guns again. Axl rose this this solo piano cover of the black sabbath song ' it's alright' love it man, I'll post a video if I can find a good one!

Told you once about your friends and neighbours
They were always seeking but they'll never find it
It's alright, yes it's alright

Where to go and where to see
It's always been this way and it can never be
It's alright, yes it's alright

Give it all and ask no return
And very soon you'll see and you'll begin to learn
That's it's alright, yes it's alright

Don't you know that it's so good for you
You can be making love and see it all go through
But it's alright, yes it's alright

some more words from the genius that is axl rose.

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(inhale) Patience...
Ooh, oh, yeah

Sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it, Oh never break it
'Cause I can't take it

...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the name
I ain't got time for the game
'Cause I need you (Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you (Take some patience)
Whoa, I need you (Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, this ti- me....


i dont even know if you read this..

Supperclub was so much fun, think that I busted all the moves that I could possibly ever bust out on one night yesterday heh. The crowd couldve been better though but the company was really good:)

Going swimming now!:) then supper with yvette heh heh.

Miss you like crazy.:(

i just downloaded 5 lady gaga songs haha.

shit i woke up late so i didnt go for church again.. i have to go next week! i think that im going clubbing tonight! to celebrate manoj's 18th and suren's 19th, provided suren shows up lol. happy birthday you indian fuckers:)

miss you, so much

Part of estranged by gNr

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for


Well I jumped into the river too many times
to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die


I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time
Oh this time
Without you


I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

I'm addicted to the leads in this song!

People are wierd, even when I'm not trying to be! Says alot about how the world works. Haha sometimes, I just need company, nothing more . I'd like to think that I've learnt SO MUCH from the whole of last month with the breakup and all, but I think that I've just backslided! And become more implusive, ugly and stupid.. Maybe this is just temporary? Maybe there IS an underlying lesson to be learnt from such a shitty situation haha.

yesterday i went to the gym alone, worked my socks off for about an hour and a half:) then destroyed all my work with subway and soya milk with salted popcorn when i watched the supposedly amazing 14 blades at tampines. yes, i am that bored that i can watch a movie alone. i didnt know that day wouldve came so quickly, i always thought i would be like my dads age before i watched a movie alone. but it was relaxing i must say, donnie yen (thats his name.. right?) was good. cant wait for ip man 2! damn i can be so bloody chinese.

andrea came over at night after her run!:) seems like the whole world is getting fit now haha. we had a short chat, she laughed at my dancing videos on my facebook (ITS NOT THAT BAD LA AND YOU KNOW IT:D) and talked/laughed. it was fun! she scolded me cause i said that i "didnt want to bother her" by asking her to go lepak or whatever because i was actually afraid shell be tired working! hahahhaa. seeeeeee..... the effects of my actions never equates to that of my initial intentions.. fucking amazing.

omg i need to book more driving lessons, after i over slept for the last one. sigh i foresee another lonely day!

Inglorious basterds and 2012! Whoohoo!

I just read the wikipedia plot summarys of the wolfman and memoirs of a geisha haha. The DVD rental shop is closed today:( and so I resorted to wikipedia-ing random story plots. Maybe I'll go watch one later..

I think about you. I dream. I wonder how you're doing. I care. I think I'm going crazy. Let me know? I won't bother your friends, only you haha.

I'm so fucking nervous about results..

Can't believe this year could actually be even worse than it has been

Today was spent at Yvettes place with Binghao Gayle and fazli:) lotsa gambling and 'exercise' on the nintendo wii:)

I think that I enjoy being alone but yet I still miss the activity that I used to enjoy:s hopefully this week I'll be happier.

Exercising tomorrow most prob at changi beach club! Anyone wanna join?:)

I'm so tired! So much visiting to do. Had very little sleep the past two nights, 8 hours in total. Sigh!

got this from another blog.
" I get caught in life too much , sometimes , in worrying about tomorrow. But the day itself has enough worries already"

true enough, one baby step at a time, and soon i hope ill grow into a.. good honest caring individual. valentines day is by far the most over-celebrated day of the year, especially amongst teens. like someone said, love at this age is so superficial, so if you find something, dont look back stick with it. if you dont or it doesnt work out.. move on! grow up!

but then again, i certainly do not object to it being a day where friendships, old and new, are celebrated. almost cemented in a way! ive spent the past few days trying to be a good friend to the people who mean alot to me, and i hope they notice it. ill keep this up, then everyday could be like valentines day! way i see it, everyday SHOULD be like valentines day its not just a day where you treat your friends/family/partners differently! because if they really are special, then you'll be doing that everyday. ill start that from now i guess!

eek i talk too much!

one last one, i like letters and handwritten notes! i know i sound wussy/sissy/pussy but i think theres a strong sense of sincerity in anything written down. so thank you! :)

day two of cny tmr, yay money!

I am skeptical. Sad. Depressed. But moving..

Happy valentines day friends.

I Stopped believing.

I think that now on I'll start building a shell around myself from everyone new that I meet now.

I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't have a clue. But I know that I'll never be the same.

Perfect

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

I am... Adapting. Prob give church a miss tomorrow, next week I'll be back or Sunday morning.

I am immature and childish. Now I am. But I know that how I acted before I wasn't. And since I'm the perfect example
of why you should never depend on someone fully, and since I'm so insensitive, since you don't think you did anything wrong, the fault mustve been mine. Thank you. I really will not face the fucking world now, cause it is too fucking ugly to be true. Friends, you know who you are, thank you for the help bitching and kind words. But I can't face this anymore. I can't accept this. It doesn't mean I'm immature. I don't think anyone can comprehend how much you've done for me, to have that taken away, I feel strippped, naked, and vulnerable. It's not so easy, to do it alone. Sometimes, that is precisely the benefit of depending on someone in the first place, to help you start turning the wheel, to move on to a better happier life. I guess we really are different. I took the plunge into the deep abyss, you didn't. Now my stomach hurts, my lungs are as good as dead from the cigarettes, and I am..EDIT: for lack of a better phase cause my vocabulary is so poor and I'm not in the arts or whatever, literally fucked. Fuck

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKOMGADZXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


WTF AM I DOING WITH MYSELF

Thank god I met jon today.. Otherwise I think I wouldve gone insane

IvE been smoking so much nowadays.. Scariest thing is that sometimes I really don't know why I light up. Maybe I just need to have something in my hand.

Ugh, I better stop. For real soon..

I'm.not.okay

but I will be

i dont know what to think about yesterday..

i dont know if you read this but...

sigh, bad start to today

okay freedom tastes good bitch!

most of yesterday was spent alone at home and at CBC. played my v for over 2 hours! not any REALLY hard stuff though but just trying to get the feel and touch back. :) oh.. i am so gonna resurrect the PAUL STANLEY WASHBURN AND FUCKING ZAKK WYLDE LES PAUL! My old work horse, wonder how its doing after 1 year in the case heh heh :S.

Gym/swim at cbc was really.. relaxing to say the least. I went there without a target of how much i should do cause hey, its all about me now isnt it! Ran did abit of weights swam a leetle got a bit of a tan so yes i must say i think i accomplished quite abit! And the bus ride surprisingly isnt THAT long so maybe ill start spending alot more time there:)

today im going to run with the hockey boys!

Working at Ocbc sure has been an eye opening experience!although some parts of me do regret quitting, the other side of me knows clearly the reasons why I quit and why I more than anything, HAD to quit to ensure my sanity in these months before army after everything that's happened.

Gonna miss my friendly And patient bosses tho, Edwin kenny and Weixin:).

Tho I didn't learn much about banking per se, I'm quite sure I've picked up an idea of the office environment, and of course office politics. And more importantly, people skills:)

depending on what time I wake up tomorrow, I'm either going to sign up for driving/head to Cbc for a swim and gym/just head to bedok for swim/gym. I miss CBC, will be a good place to be alone.. For a while!

Yes ladies yuhua here smokes, drinks, likes to dance, likes to have a good time, has a tattoo across my upper back which shouts my supposed English name and I have bengish friends. Can't accept that? Then please don't date me.

Today is a monumental (did I spell that right?) day. Today is the day I accepted that we are really REALLY not going to get back together. And I am glad. Because I don't have to live crazy anymore. It's like a big load of shit got lifted off my back, ad surprisingly, this whole process really is a relief. Sad to say that i've learnt more about you in the past three weeks than I have during our 7 month long relationship. And no people, I am NOT okay. But hey, shit happens and we DEAL WITH IT and MOVE ON right? Cause things like this develop us, takes us two steps forward in life don't it now?

...

I am happy I have good friends. Who complain about my cigarette smell hahaha I should really quit soon.

Thank god for my neighbours!

I am so fucking miserable that I actually don't wanna drink or smoke anymore

I'm so fucked up that I laughed only 4 times through out zohan.

I can't be bothered to write in my little book anymore. I'll give it to you soon. It just shows how hopeful I have been, and how dumb that may have been. Like YOU said right, just 'deal with it'. When I read whatever it is that I've written, I feel like a two faced Fucker. I appear strong in front of most of my friends but actually every single second that I think about you I go fucking insane and crazy. And no I'm not trying to make you feel guilty if you still think this is about that and you actually think that I'm that sort of person then I have nothing to say.

Whatever la hor, I have to deal with it!

Go enjoy youself, live your own life, you never seemed like you needed me to be a part of it anyway.

I love watching movies for it actually does take my mind off things, even if it's only for those 2 hours. So I shall watch one now cause it's only 12 and I can't sleep and FUCK THINKING!


Thank god I did not borrow love actually. I was actually thinking of it. Phew wouldve got my mind started man and I probably would not be able to sleep again. So time to kick some badass in zohan!

SIGH WHY THE F* DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN EVERYTIME??? IT'S LIKE I AM ACTUALLY TRYING TO HAVE A PROPER CONV BUT YOU DONT WANT TO. MAYBE I REALLY SHOULD STAY AWAY (FOR GOOD) , CAUSE ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS YOU DONT WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE EH? SAVVY?

SIGH I ACTUALLY AM READY TO TALK NOW AND THE SAME OLD THING HAPPENS AGAIN! WHAT THE

spent today recuperating alone at home. and i definitely can say that time alone at home stinks.

i have a feeling its all going to go down the same way again. am i still being duped???? amazing.

gonna get some supper, goodnight

I've been sick for the past 3 days:( but thank god I didn't spend them at home alone. Met ches Jon on wed to send Chester off to army! And yesterday was spent at east coast park with liang, funker, Anders Suren and leon yip being an ENTHUSIASTIC game mater heh heh:) got really badly sunburnt tho and was running a crazy 38-39 Degree fever from 2pm to 10pm:( met stel for satay and other food at bedok corner after that!:)

I've been surrounding myself with other people in my life. But the void you left behind is bigger than ever.. I want you back

Another sleepless night coming up.

Now I just wanna quit and laze around and do nothing. When I'm doing nothing I complain now got something to do also complain sigh.

Susannah 'stole' my morning job and now I'm transferred to another department. New bosses new work new everything. Sigh. I need a routine I don't need to get be-headed and owned for doing something which I'm new at. Gonna miss my old bosses man:(

and my back hurts like hell I can hardly do pullups! Apparently getting an a for 2.4 gets you 100 more bucks so maybe I should run more... ALOT MORE.

Good luck in army Shaun and fazli!:)

And holy shit I failed my ftt haha. I think the purpose of this blog is not to post my honest heart felt feelings anymore. I'll just write them down somewhere where no one can see it. It was a suggestion by someone special.

So.. I'm still doubting if what I did was right! I know it may help but... It's damn hard.