WHIPLASH

2010-06-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

I am not going to post much on this space anymore, as you may have noticed

this blog has been active since I was in sec 3, abilet for some mini periods of absence in between. I thunk I am really at the end of a very important stage of my life. We all are. So I'll hopefully have time to create another one and I'll post the URL here. It has been a great time, growing up. I have learnt so much, I can say that confidently even though I know that I still have a long way to go. Thank you to every single one of you who have walked into my life:) and for those who have came and gone, I find myself humble enough to say thank you too. In spite of how angsty I can be, thank you because you have had an impact on me resulting in what I am today. You know who you are!

Gosh I don't even know who reads this anymore!

POP LO!

2010-05-30T02:05:00.001-07:00

i dont even know why i still get so angry, the world knows what kind of girl you are now haha. youre manipulating do you know that? i bet you dont cause you're too stuck up in your own little cloud of illusions that because you are the kind of person you are, the results artsy attitude the church that you are perfect and doing everything correctly. wrong man. the world doesnt work your way, it is not perfectly normal the things that you did/are doing. geez, grow a heart and stop using your brain so much.

dammit

2010-05-30T01:58:00.000-07:00

omfg i miss the fucking world.

army sucks, not the activites of the company (section 1 rulezx), but just that i can only see my mother and other people that i desperately want to see like once a fucking week. Wait actually less, in like a month ive only booked out twice. Fuck that shit. And damn i got guard duty next weekend because my rifle got stunned in field camp. fucking amazingzx :(

happy birthday jonathan. i hope you study hard and play hard as well of course! i really hope you do well for your a's, it will be worth it trust me. (i know you confirm read this even though i havent posted in over a month).

i think i forgot how to play the guitar, hahaha ive only played it once in a month. Booking in in 2 hours ill try to sqeeuze some time in later.

The first week in army certainly sucked, especially since a fucking "special" someone couldnt even wish me for reasons which i obviously will not be able to comprehend because i am so DIFFERENT from you? hahaha bunch of bullshit girl, what you did was fucking despicable, you will see it. have fun with your new boytoy, dont change so fast okay now? hahahaha fucking joke.

i love bookouts, i hate sundays now sigh.

2010-04-25T07:52:00.001-07:00

omg bye world..

my status as a civilian if officially ending! WOOO HELLO TEKONG/SMELLY BOYS/PIMPLES/SWEAT/TEARS(HAHAH)/EMO NIGHTS/SHITTY HANDPHONES!

2010-04-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

I wish that I had a bloody laptop, then I could go online in a airconditioned room.

It's days like this which makes me realise how lucky I am, because I have all the people I need to move onto the next big thing in my life:) it's not about how much value they are to me, but rather how happy I am that I can even be there for them, and they for me.:))

hope you're doing well

2010-04-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm home alone this week!

You guys know what that means.. Lotsa food and sitting down watching tv haha.

Binghaos in army whereas mums in china for work:( i hope the nights won't be boring and I hope I won't run short of cigarettes and food! I'm out tonight though:(

lamb of god on Thursday!!\m/

And I know that the band is very inefficient (haha) but I hope that we all meet up at least once this week to jam:)

woo and party on Saturday!:)

2010-04-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

Is all of this madness for the best? Hahaha in case you never noticed, I never cared for my best even though I should.

there is So much I still want to say, or rather there is so much that I wish you would say, or hey, at least say something.

2010-04-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

how did i go from this...

to what i am now?

2010-04-08T00:51:00.000-07:00

2 very nice songs with almost similar titles!

2010-04-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

what am i doing home on a clubbing night?

TO WATCH MAN u BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF BAYERN MUNICH OF COURSE!!!

nah just kidding

im moody today, but wait!

theres probably gonna be a surprise for everyone tomorrow! if it all works out how it should... hahahha

2010-04-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

There is no point for Me to fake like I'm in control when I know that I am not. Wouldn't help solve anything right? Or am I just weird..

At least I'm trying to stop feeling so shitty everyday!

Hm so Friday was really fun! Meeting up with the vj army and non army ( me and funker HAHAHA) boys and some hockey girls!:) great to see them again. Then zouk with liang funk and gani was an enjoyable experience as well! Finally, a different group! Saw teh hermonie Weizhen and Julia too:) haha and did I mention, that it was a bloody violent night! So many fights! I learnt not to have an ugly breakup ever, otherwise your ex may just come spill beer on you( and many other people) or smash a bloody bottle on your head! Oh and also many shouts, or rather shrieks of 'CHEEBYEEEE' in between:s

And mike dean is the worst referee EVER in the history of the beautiful game. Thanks to idiots like him whose eyes are either covered by a bloody big stamp or a 1000 bill, people will cheat in soccer just to gain an advantage. Bring on video refereeing!

And thanks to Jon for being a loyal reader of this sad little space on the net, if you see this, remind me to buy you a drink next time haha.

2010-04-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

I think that I was wrong, I am shattered. The lack of direction in life at this instant really isn't helping.

There's so much I want to say, but how? And to whom?

On a lighter note, final fantasy 8 has been really fun:)but I swear I'm putting on so much weight ugh

oh well, nothing ns can't fix right?

2010-03-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

such a beautiful expression of raw emotion, abliet positive emotions. though i may never want to write songs like these (haha), someday i want my songs to be able to express all my feelings at that particular instant. such a hard skill to learn.

its all right (:

2010-03-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

wow, so true

2010-03-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

Zouk was a fucking failure omg, I'm never going clubbing with more than one group of friends again, shuffling between them is so fucked up and eventually everyone goes missing haha.

2010-03-25T11:01:00.001-07:00

oh and did i mention that i dont remember jagerbombs tasting as good as they were at zouk yesterday! seriously. the drinks yesterday were FUCKING GOOD. even my free vodka lime hahaha i didnt even ask for it to be stronger but i swear it was 2 parts vodka one part lime juice. omgawd i hope saturday is good with chester then i can steal his drinks:S and i have an interview with smu business on saturday so i cant go with julia to zouk on friday!:(

2010-03-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

I love my friends:) the ones who matter. I am going to miss them so much in army. I guess everything takes some getting used too! But don't worry, I'm trying. I guess thqt being a 'real' friend doesn't mean you have to be there all the time, or that that person has to live life the same way as you and have the same values as you. It just means that in spite of certain flaws, you still care genuinely for them and want the best for them! I guess it really is all about 'how much you can live with'. I've realised the hardest part for many people, myself included, is living with the reality which often falls short of expectations. Cause friendships are not a one sided affair at all, so if you find someone who gives back as much as he/she takes, then good for you!

Omg I think too much for a guy. Hahaha.

2010-03-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

For the record,

I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!!:):):):) see those haha I am perfectly fine:) it's okay to think and get frustrated sometimes, so yes I am fine! ( and kinda darker now after the extremly fun tanning yesterday:D)

Phuture was okay!:) apple shooters are DAMN NICE omg I know I feel like a girl for liking such a wussy drink haha. Ok, off to bishan now:s

2010-03-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

OMFG FUCK I CANT FUCKING SLEEP ITS 7 AM NICE I SHALL NOT SLEEP TONIGHT AND GO THROUGH SUNDAY AS IF NTH HAPPENED, THEN IN ABOUT 12 HOURS OR SO ILL KNOCKOUT AND WAKE UP AND IT SHALL BE MONDAY HURRAH.

2010-03-20T03:13:00.000-07:00

OMFG JUST UPLOAD YOU STUPID FUCKING TESTIMONIAL FUCK IM GOING TO PLAY GUITAR FUCK IT!

2010-03-19T02:31:00.001-07:00

today was supposed to be the "HATS AND FLOWERS" picnic with kim and yvette!! i feel like a bloody girl. but damn i woke up late, its raining and apparently its raining at marina too. sigh.

for like the past 2 weeks, ive been waking up at 2-4 pm everyday. it really doesnt help that no one's at home haha cause then theres no one to wake me up! even though yvette called today, i still couldnt wake up sigh.

and all the applicatioins are killing me. NVM, after this week, there will only be uni scholarships left!

2010-03-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

back when music wasnt about how good you look, or how big your boobs/biceps/pocket-to-pay-for-auto-tuning-in-the-studio was....

it was all about this

i especially like the last few lines!

I see you standing
Standing on your own
It's such a lonely place for you
For you to be

If you need a shoulder
Or if you need a friend
I'll be here standing
Until the bitter end

No one needs the sorrow
No one needs the pain
I hate to see you
Walking out there
Out in the rain

So don't chastise me
Or think I, I mean you harm
Of those that take you
Leave you strung out
Much too far
Baby-yeah

Don't ever leave me
Say you'll "always" be there
All I ever wanted
Was for you
To know that I care

2010-03-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

So today I finished my mas Scholarship application! With some professional help from my mum, lotsa frustration which was fueled on by the lack of cigarettes, I'm quite proud of what I sent in:) left with kpmg,sgx and the uni scholarships! I hope that I get an interview for at least one of them:( also completed my applications to the 3 unis today! I'm quite scared if I don't get into accountancy in ntu cause my first choice for nus and smu is business, which may be too general and not viable:( mum says it's not all about that at work although it does play a part.

I read the forum section of the straits times for the first time yesterday! I liked it:) hope I read it regularly from now on!

Yay, times are looking up:) goodluck Jonathan for your upcoming march block tests!

2010-03-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

Funny, 7 am and I'm still up..

2010-03-08T01:18:00.000-08:00

Damn that felt good. Time to DOTA!

2010-03-07T23:11:00.001-08:00

i've moved on, heard that you have too.

wait what am i saying, you obviously have. sigh. b-itch. life's a bed of shit if you wanna look at it that way. oh well, ive moved on to MUCH greener pastures and people who wont actually abandon me at the most unexpected times.

no one is at home today. mum's working and maid's at grandma's house. damn no food no one to talk to i feel so alone.

2010-03-07T06:02:00.000-08:00

Quick post here.

Thank god for my results. I'm very happy for Binghao too:) he just enlisted on Saturday and I hope he will be fine!

This marks the end of my childhood! Like officially. Kinda scary but I can't wait to move on and face new challenges ( p.s I know I sound like a nerd)

On a lighter ( and more bimbo-ly note) I haven't exercised for three days! Too much dancing and I just ate a lor Mai Kai and two paos heh. I better run tomorrow!

2010-03-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Results later. I hope that whatever it is, that I would be accepting. Because even though the world sees that tiny result slip as everything that one can accomplish in jc, I know that the past 2 years have been the best years of my life:) so even tho it would be hard, especially If I don't do well, I will try not to think like that.

2010 hasn't been good tho, so I hope I do well, otherwise this year would REALLY have gotten off to the wrong foot considering that it's al mrarch and the first quarter of 2010 is about to end.

You're the best I know

2010-03-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

why cant you live with peoples opinions? especially after what you did, you expect me to just keep quiet? sooner or later people are going to find out what happened and if they all form the same opinion or whatever, i think it says something.. dont you get it? you cant stop it. be stronger and live with it.

2010-03-01T04:44:00.000-08:00

I better sleep tonight omg.

2010-03-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

After results on Friday, we really have finished the 'kids' phase of our lives. It is scary, and intimidating to suddenly realise that you're not going to be able to be stupid and get away with it, or you can wake up with absolutely nothing or everything to do because of the lack of a fixed schedule to tell us what to do. Of course for guys it's different but still..

All this added to the stress about actually receiving the results on Friday is killing me! I spent the last few days looking at courses and local scholarships.. Sigh nothing still really appeals to me but if I do well I may apply and become just like everyone else. Or I may not! And keep my options open! I think I enjoy this newfound freedom, cause I have always been a blind ass believer of the system, doing most of what they tell me to do academically.

Sigh, it's been keeping me up recently, nights where I'm not out I've been sleeping EARLIEST at 4am:( I woke up at 4 today, sigh this is not healthy. And I have to go to church omg.

Oh and of course there's you. I almost forgot. Can't you see, that this whole thing is helping and not an easy way out for me. You're not making it easier by not replying. Zzz wtf man.

side track, goodluck to your new job Yvette! "Cher' cher'!"

2010-02-26T11:26:00.000-08:00

this week has been tough. i have been thinking alot more than usual, getting wasted on wednesday certainly didnt help but it was fun!

sigh, im still trying to come to a rational, practical decision on what to do now. i am obviously not any happier, i dont know if you are. if you're not, then what are we even doing apart?! i dont know, im too naive. i dont think far ahead like you, i dont do all of that but.. sometimes, isnt it good just to be happy? i think, i am the complete opposite of a badass. one of my new friends just told me this yesterday "wa actually, you not much of a baddass sia, you're quite a emo thinking boy you gay shit" hahahaha. i guess people like the idea, but when they figure im not that, they go.

gay shit....

supper club and ntu talk tomorrow! hope its fun. and grr i need to fucking sleep.

2010-02-24T12:42:00.001-08:00

Imu iwu.....

ILU

2010-02-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

nice right. song actually starts around 1.40

sigh, i want you.

2010-02-22T02:35:00.000-08:00

I borrowed the djies bike and cycled to east coast park. It's a beautiful evening, you'd wish you were here! An airplane just flew over the top of me! I enjoy the serenity and calmness of this place, with only my tiny green iPod for company, I know I have everything that I NEED now.

Yet, it's so beautiful ( except for the flying insects) that I wish you were here.

And gosh I'm addicted to guns again. Axl rose this this solo piano cover of the black sabbath song ' it's alright' love it man, I'll post a video if I can find a good one!

Told you once about your friends and neighbours
They were always seeking but they'll never find it
It's alright, yes it's alright

Where to go and where to see
It's always been this way and it can never be
It's alright, yes it's alright

Give it all and ask no return
And very soon you'll see and you'll begin to learn
That's it's alright, yes it's alright

Don't you know that it's so good for you
You can be making love and see it all go through
But it's alright, yes it's alright

2010-02-21T04:34:00.001-08:00

some more words from the genius that is axl rose.

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(inhale) Patience...
Ooh, oh, yeah

Sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it, Oh never break it
'Cause I can't take it

...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the name
I ain't got time for the game
'Cause I need you (Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you (Take some patience)
Whoa, I need you (Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, this ti- me....

i dont even know if you read this..

2010-02-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

Supperclub was so much fun, think that I busted all the moves that I could possibly ever bust out on one night yesterday heh. The crowd couldve been better though but the company was really good:)

Going swimming now!:) then supper with yvette heh heh.

Miss you like crazy.:(

2010-02-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

i just downloaded 5 lady gaga songs haha.

shit i woke up late so i didnt go for church again.. i have to go next week! i think that im going clubbing tonight! to celebrate manoj's 18th and suren's 19th, provided suren shows up lol. happy birthday you indian fuckers:)

miss you, so much

2010-02-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

Part of estranged by gNr

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river too many times
to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time
Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

I'm addicted to the leads in this song!

People are wierd, even when I'm not trying to be! Says alot about how the world works. Haha sometimes, I just need company, nothing more . I'd like to think that I've learnt SO MUCH from the whole of last month with the breakup and all, but I think that I've just backslided! And become more implusive, ugly and stupid.. Maybe this is just temporary? Maybe there IS an underlying lesson to be learnt from such a shitty situation haha.

2010-02-17T19:44:00.001-08:00

yesterday i went to the gym alone, worked my socks off for about an hour and a half:) then destroyed all my work with subway and soya milk with salted popcorn when i watched the supposedly amazing 14 blades at tampines. yes, i am that bored that i can watch a movie alone. i didnt know that day wouldve came so quickly, i always thought i would be like my dads age before i watched a movie alone. but it was relaxing i must say, donnie yen (thats his name.. right?) was good. cant wait for ip man 2! damn i can be so bloody chinese.

andrea came over at night after her run!:) seems like the whole world is getting fit now haha. we had a short chat, she laughed at my dancing videos on my facebook (ITS NOT THAT BAD LA AND YOU KNOW IT:D) and talked/laughed. it was fun! she scolded me cause i said that i "didnt want to bother her" by asking her to go lepak or whatever because i was actually afraid shell be tired working! hahahhaa. seeeeeee..... the effects of my actions never equates to that of my initial intentions.. fucking amazing.

omg i need to book more driving lessons, after i over slept for the last one. sigh i foresee another lonely day!

Inglorious basterds and 2012! Whoohoo!

2010-02-16T22:42:00.000-08:00

I just read the wikipedia plot summarys of the wolfman and memoirs of a geisha haha. The DVD rental shop is closed today:( and so I resorted to wikipedia-ing random story plots. Maybe I'll go watch one later..

I think about you. I dream. I wonder how you're doing. I care. I think I'm going crazy. Let me know? I won't bother your friends, only you haha.

2010-02-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm so fucking nervous about results..

Can't believe this year could actually be even worse than it has been

2010-02-16T05:55:00.000-08:00

Today was spent at Yvettes place with Binghao Gayle and fazli:) lotsa gambling and 'exercise' on the nintendo wii:)

I think that I enjoy being alone but yet I still miss the activity that I used to enjoy:s hopefully this week I'll be happier.

Exercising tomorrow most prob at changi beach club! Anyone wanna join?:)

2010-02-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired! So much visiting to do. Had very little sleep the past two nights, 8 hours in total. Sigh!

2010-02-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

got this from another blog.
" I get caught in life too much , sometimes , in worrying about tomorrow. But the day itself has enough worries already"

true enough, one baby step at a time, and soon i hope ill grow into a.. good honest caring individual. valentines day is by far the most over-celebrated day of the year, especially amongst teens. like someone said, love at this age is so superficial, so if you find something, dont look back stick with it. if you dont or it doesnt work out.. move on! grow up!

but then again, i certainly do not object to it being a day where friendships, old and new, are celebrated. almost cemented in a way! ive spent the past few days trying to be a good friend to the people who mean alot to me, and i hope they notice it. ill keep this up, then everyday could be like valentines day! way i see it, everyday SHOULD be like valentines day its not just a day where you treat your friends/family/partners differently! because if they really are special, then you'll be doing that everyday. ill start that from now i guess!

eek i talk too much!

one last one, i like letters and handwritten notes! i know i sound wussy/sissy/pussy but i think theres a strong sense of sincerity in anything written down. so thank you! :)

day two of cny tmr, yay money!

2010-02-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

I am skeptical. Sad. Depressed. But moving..

Happy valentines day friends.

I Stopped believing.

2010-02-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

I think that now on I'll start building a shell around myself from everyone new that I meet now.

I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't have a clue. But I know that I'll never be the same.

Perfect

2010-02-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

I am... Adapting. Prob give church a miss tomorrow, next week I'll be back or Sunday morning.

2010-02-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

I am immature and childish. Now I am. But I know that how I acted before I wasn't. And since I'm the perfect example
of why you should never depend on someone fully, and since I'm so insensitive, since you don't think you did anything wrong, the fault mustve been mine. Thank you. I really will not face the fucking world now, cause it is too fucking ugly to be true. Friends, you know who you are, thank you for the help bitching and kind words. But I can't face this anymore. I can't accept this. It doesn't mean I'm immature. I don't think anyone can comprehend how much you've done for me, to have that taken away, I feel strippped, naked, and vulnerable. It's not so easy, to do it alone. Sometimes, that is precisely the benefit of depending on someone in the first place, to help you start turning the wheel, to move on to a better happier life. I guess we really are different. I took the plunge into the deep abyss, you didn't. Now my stomach hurts, my lungs are as good as dead from the cigarettes, and I am..EDIT: for lack of a better phase cause my vocabulary is so poor and I'm not in the arts or whatever, literally fucked. Fuck

2010-02-11T07:03:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKOMGADZXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

WTF AM I DOING WITH MYSELF

2010-02-11T03:33:00.000-08:00

Thank god I met jon today.. Otherwise I think I wouldve gone insane

2010-02-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

IvE been smoking so much nowadays.. Scariest thing is that sometimes I really don't know why I light up. Maybe I just need to have something in my hand.

Ugh, I better stop. For real soon..

I'm.not.okay

but I will be

2010-02-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

i dont know what to think about yesterday..

i dont know if you read this but...

sigh, bad start to today

2010-02-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

okay freedom tastes good bitch!

most of yesterday was spent alone at home and at CBC. played my v for over 2 hours! not any REALLY hard stuff though but just trying to get the feel and touch back. :) oh.. i am so gonna resurrect the PAUL STANLEY WASHBURN AND FUCKING ZAKK WYLDE LES PAUL! My old work horse, wonder how its doing after 1 year in the case heh heh :S.

Gym/swim at cbc was really.. relaxing to say the least. I went there without a target of how much i should do cause hey, its all about me now isnt it! Ran did abit of weights swam a leetle got a bit of a tan so yes i must say i think i accomplished quite abit! And the bus ride surprisingly isnt THAT long so maybe ill start spending alot more time there:)

today im going to run with the hockey boys!

2010-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Working at Ocbc sure has been an eye opening experience!although some parts of me do regret quitting, the other side of me knows clearly the reasons why I quit and why I more than anything, HAD to quit to ensure my sanity in these months before army after everything that's happened.

Gonna miss my friendly And patient bosses tho, Edwin kenny and Weixin:).

Tho I didn't learn much about banking per se, I'm quite sure I've picked up an idea of the office environment, and of course office politics. And more importantly, people skills:)

depending on what time I wake up tomorrow, I'm either going to sign up for driving/head to Cbc for a swim and gym/just head to bedok for swim/gym. I miss CBC, will be a good place to be alone.. For a while!

2010-02-07T03:01:00.000-08:00

Yes ladies yuhua here smokes, drinks, likes to dance, likes to have a good time, has a tattoo across my upper back which shouts my supposed English name and I have bengish friends. Can't accept that? Then please don't date me.

Today is a monumental (did I spell that right?) day. Today is the day I accepted that we are really REALLY not going to get back together. And I am glad. Because I don't have to live crazy anymore. It's like a big load of shit got lifted off my back, ad surprisingly, this whole process really is a relief. Sad to say that i've learnt more about you in the past three weeks than I have during our 7 month long relationship. And no people, I am NOT okay. But hey, shit happens and we DEAL WITH IT and MOVE ON right? Cause things like this develop us, takes us two steps forward in life don't it now?

...

2010-02-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

I am happy I have good friends. Who complain about my cigarette smell hahaha I should really quit soon.

Thank god for my neighbours!

2010-02-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

I am so fucking miserable that I actually don't wanna drink or smoke anymore

2010-02-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

I'm so fucked up that I laughed only 4 times through out zohan.

I can't be bothered to write in my little book anymore. I'll give it to you soon. It just shows how hopeful I have been, and how dumb that may have been. Like YOU said right, just 'deal with it'. When I read whatever it is that I've written, I feel like a two faced Fucker. I appear strong in front of most of my friends but actually every single second that I think about you I go fucking insane and crazy. And no I'm not trying to make you feel guilty if you still think this is about that and you actually think that I'm that sort of person then I have nothing to say.

Whatever la hor, I have to deal with it!

Go enjoy youself, live your own life, you never seemed like you needed me to be a part of it anyway.

2010-02-05T08:06:00.001-08:00

I love watching movies for it actually does take my mind off things, even if it's only for those 2 hours. So I shall watch one now cause it's only 12 and I can't sleep and FUCK THINKING!

Thank god I did not borrow love actually. I was actually thinking of it. Phew wouldve got my mind started man and I probably would not be able to sleep again. So time to kick some badass in zohan!

2010-02-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

SIGH WHY THE F* DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN EVERYTIME??? IT'S LIKE I AM ACTUALLY TRYING TO HAVE A PROPER CONV BUT YOU DONT WANT TO. MAYBE I REALLY SHOULD STAY AWAY (FOR GOOD) , CAUSE ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS YOU DONT WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE EH? SAVVY?

SIGH I ACTUALLY AM READY TO TALK NOW AND THE SAME OLD THING HAPPENS AGAIN! WHAT THE

2010-02-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

spent today recuperating alone at home. and i definitely can say that time alone at home stinks.

i have a feeling its all going to go down the same way again. am i still being duped???? amazing.

gonna get some supper, goodnight

2010-02-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the past 3 days:( but thank god I didn't spend them at home alone. Met ches Jon on wed to send Chester off to army! And yesterday was spent at east coast park with liang, funker, Anders Suren and leon yip being an ENTHUSIASTIC game mater heh heh:) got really badly sunburnt tho and was running a crazy 38-39 Degree fever from 2pm to 10pm:( met stel for satay and other food at bedok corner after that!:)

I've been surrounding myself with other people in my life. But the void you left behind is bigger than ever.. I want you back

2010-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night coming up.

2010-02-01T09:23:00.000-08:00

Now I just wanna quit and laze around and do nothing. When I'm doing nothing I complain now got something to do also complain sigh.

Susannah 'stole' my morning job and now I'm transferred to another department. New bosses new work new everything. Sigh. I need a routine I don't need to get be-headed and owned for doing something which I'm new at. Gonna miss my old bosses man:(

and my back hurts like hell I can hardly do pullups! Apparently getting an a for 2.4 gets you 100 more bucks so maybe I should run more... ALOT MORE.

Good luck in army Shaun and fazli!:)

And holy shit I failed my ftt haha. I think the purpose of this blog is not to post my honest heart felt feelings anymore. I'll just write them down somewhere where no one can see it. It was a suggestion by someone special.

So.. I'm still doubting if what I did was right! I know it may help but... It's damn hard.

2010-01-31T04:18:00.000-08:00

Quote of the day from a very special friend!:)

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me cynical about love. Rather, it made me realise that IF I WANTED SO MUCH TO BE WITH THE WRONG PERSON,

..

HOW BEAUTIFUL IT WILL BE WHEN THE RIGHT ONE COMES ALONG.

Works for you too!

2010-01-31T03:51:00.000-08:00

Church yesterday was good:) nice to soak in the atmosphere again, think I'll go again next week:)

the party at rebel/zirca was eventful to say the least.:s

most of my friends are going into army already, but I'm thankful for all of them;)
just ta paoed a roti John at simpang!need to hang out there more man, miss the company. You know who you are!

2010-01-31T00:11:00.000-08:00

Bye

2010-01-31T00:10:00.001-08:00

Happy birthday djies! Neighbours unite!

2010-01-27T02:27:00.000-08:00

I love my alone time by the Singapore river outside the uob building

2010-01-26T09:25:00.001-08:00

This is to you

I want you back

2010-01-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Can't stop thinking about..

2010-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

Today I took another step towards quitting. Buying really shitty super lights. It's as good as smoking air man-.- and damn it's 1.10am and I can't sleep. Sigh.

Apparently smoking lighter sticks don't help, cause I would suck in more to get the kick or just smoke more cigarretes. True on some levels I must say! Dinner with vj people tmr, hope I run on wed and fri! And good luck to Jon for his driving test on fri:D

work was quite fufilling today! I'm glad I didn't think alot.. Maybe it's just cause I had like so Many lines to delete HAHAHA. And damn, Im fatter than i've ever been! Armys coming up how?! I think I may have to give my final theory a miss too cause it's on a work day-.- and the next one is in march but I'll still be working-.- guess I'll just have to extend my pdl then:(

when I come out of btt, you're probably getting ready to leave.. For a long time. Sigh. In spite of what everyone has said, I dunno I still don't want to get used to it.

Not such a emo post tonight!hurrah?

2010-01-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

Be strong! Be strong!

Maybe I should really lock this, I don't even know what you're thinking, and I keep thinking about what you could possibly be thinking off! Then I post my sad, estranged thoughts here. I know that I am emotionally not on the same level as you haha. Maybe I just shouldn't think about the whole situation at all?? No free lunches in this world, but then again there are no confirmed rewards for the one who works the hardest. Hmm.

Speaking of lunch, I hope I have lunch with my mum today:) and I'm staying off status updates on my facebook so this is my only outlet haha. Wait how many people actually do read this?!please leave a comment or tell me haha

2010-01-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

I have to start switching off my phone just before I sleep.

No ones gonna text me or call me anymore eh.

2010-01-24T01:30:00.001-08:00

HURT

2010-01-23T22:53:00.000-08:00

it sucks to be alone. but ill have to "deal with it" right?!

i cant put up this front in front of everyone.. not all the time. sometimes im okay. when im walking home, i start being wierd. when im home im just.. dysfunctional. ah. and metal or playing guitar doesnt help, running doesnt cause ive been smoking so much i can hardly chiong for 2 km without feeling pain. ugh. and obviouslly mentally im not right so i cant psych myself up to run faster.

if the world is all about being selfish and looking out for youself, whats the point of relationships/friendships?! you wont ever be helping the other party, it will never be a mutual thing! maybe im just too "happy" childish whatever. sigh

2010-01-23T12:46:00.001-08:00

I miss late night conversations on my bed, listening to random music, having someone to just..be there. It hurts more cause i don't think it will ever be the same. I'm not going to force myself to get over you, but at the same time doing the opposite would just make that much harder. Maybe I should be stone-cold from now on, but I am not like that and I don't want to be fake. I miss your companionship. I wonder if you feel the same or is it easier for you.

P.s this isn't vulgar, it's just emo so is this appropriate for here?!

2010-01-22T22:02:00.000-08:00

Cutting down can help you quit, but it's not a substitute for quitting.

As your body begins to repair itself, instead of feeling better right away, you may feel worse for a while. It's important to understand that healing is a process - it begins immediately, but it continues over time. These "withdrawal pangs" are really symptoms of the RECOVERY process (see "Withdrawal Symptoms and Activities That Might Help).

Immediately after quitting, many ex-smokers experience "symptoms of recovery" such as temporary weight gain caused by fluid retention, irregularity, and dry, sore gums or tongue. You may feel edgy, hungry, more tired, and more short-tempered than usual and have trouble sleeping and notice that you're coughing a lot. These symptoms are the result of your body clearing itself of nicotine, a powerful addictive chemical. Most nicotine is gone from the body in 2-3 days.

It's too hard to quit. Quitting and staying away from I don't have the willpower. cigarettes is hard, but it's not impossible. More than 3 million Americans quit every year. It's important for you to remember that many people have had to try more than once, and try more than one method, before they became ex-smokers, but they HAVE done it, and so can you.

I'm worried about gaining Most smokers who gain more than weight. 5-10 pounds are eating more. Gaining weight isn't inevitable - there are certain things you can do to help keep your weight stable. (See "Tips To Help You Avoid Weight Gain".)

Hahahahha

2010-01-22T21:35:00.003-08:00

i cant do this, i feel like giving up on everything left thats actually worth fighting for.

2010-01-22T21:35:00.001-08:00

i cant do this, i feel like giving up on everything left thats actually worth fighting for.

2010-01-22T19:36:00.001-08:00

Funny how I realised something, that it's been less than a fucking week since I came back from Vietnam before we broke up. And it makes me wonder how long have you wanted to end this. Fucking amazing.. Yeah don't worry this is my way of dealing with it.

What the fuck

2010-01-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

' she returned his kisses but not his ardor.'

sad but true

2010-01-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

I also forgive you, but I won't forget it.

Guess you never loved me the same way I did. That's a plain fact!

Maybe I AM better off without you?!

2010-01-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

Maybe this is temporary, at least it got me started. And I know it'll help me move on. My mum actually said that ' you're growing up very well' haha

2010-01-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

right now i dont even know what i feel like.

i know i screwed up. saying sorry wont help but ill still say it. i never wanted to hurt you. but i never knew how to take action, responsibility and accountability my whole life. its sad that i had to learn this way. but i will. many things ill have to change from now on. i hope that you'll be there with me as a friend. i hope you find comfort in your friends, the same kind of comfort that you expected from me but i was unable to deliever. i hope(know) that ill grow up from this. hey, the best thing i can say now is that life is an experience, you only do it once. so what i have done is gone and i cant brood on it. sucks for everyone, no one wins anything from this.

i need alot of help. or maybe i should just live in a nutshell and do this on my own.

i wont go to work tmr, but ill committ from monday onwards. my first step. church on saturday. ill be alone but fuck it, ive had much worse. smokings next. followed by the much bigger task of the simpang buds.

i still wanna be there for you, in ways that i know that i can help. i hope that you'll be alright. other people will take care of that for you i know that they are much better at that than me. i still love you, and it made me really happy that you think that we can still be good, true and real friends. ill work on that too.

tonight.. ill think.. about what i NEED to do and not about what i COULDVE done.

>3 you.

2010-01-20T09:04:00.000-08:00

There's so much that I want to tell you now. But I know that you're better off with out me. Am I better off without you? I don't think so. You'll always be 'the special one' I am sure of that even after army and uni and everyone else that I'll meet in between. It's okay to end something that you still got the passion, it doesn't mean that I won't fight for it. I just think both of us at this point in our lives are not ready. In many ways. I still love you

I still love you

2010-01-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

I am on my 11th ciggarette today.amazing how just two weeks ago I was living on hardly two sticks a day. What can I say, things have been tough. Sitting outside the bus stop opposite bedok south sec now, lying on the bench like a homeless person wow, watching the cars zoom by, just like how everyone comes and soon says 'bye'. But I know that you're not that kind of person. I don't want you to be that. You're everything and so much more, yet almost everyday you make me feel so tortured.fuck the iPhone spell check btw it's fucking up my typing. And no I still love you, as much as ever. I can say 'let's get through this' as many times I want to you and myself but I know that it's not enough. Sometimes I feel like screaming to myself 'FUCKING WAKE UP DUDE GROW UP BE THE MAN SHE WANTS YOU TO BE'' but I know that it isn't so easy.another 5 days before I'll see you again, I'm so out of options that I actually think it might help. Ahh love is hard, sometimes I don't wanna say it I just wanna do things. I guess you are different.

With that, I'll light up my 12th stick and continue to sir here for as long as I'll need too

2010-01-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

VIETNAM WAS AWESOME FUN!!

ONCE THE PICTURES ARE UP ON FB, ILL TRY TO DO A DAY-TO-DAY RECOUNT CAUSE IF I REMEMBER ALMOST EVERYDAY WAS FUN!!!!

maybe its cause i went there WANTING to have fun instead of expecting the things that we did itself to be fun because come to think of it, we actually didnt do much :S

AND DAMN I GOT FIFA 10 ON PC. MY INNER GAMER IS SHOWING ITS TRUE COLOURS!!

gotta do something meaningful/time-consuming at least in my life.

JOB/DRIVING/DEBORAH/FRIENDS!

2010-01-05T18:58:00.000-08:00

HELLO!

GOING TO VIETNAM TODAY TILL NEXT WEDNESDAY(13th) DONT MISS ME!AND I GUESS NOT ALOT OF PEOPLE READ THIS SO FOR THOSE WHO DO, CONTACT ME THROUGH THE NO. 98196226! GOOD DAY!

2010-01-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

Omg driving tomorrow!I'm so excited:)

I hope the caas talk tomorrow goes well too:)gonna start packing for Vietnam as well and then meet the 6/6 homies at roxanes place at night!ah life after a's can be quite eventful after all!

I'm going to start looking for a job..a REAL job so anyone with any lobangs please let me know:)

2010-01-02T22:42:00.001-08:00

freakonomics is damn fun. gonna read it for a while later then play my dave mustaine V hehe^^.

a part of me really wants the lespauls back, fat and thick ass sounds. but another part of me wants the thin slender shred-fest neck of the V. i shall start looking for a guitar soon :) and hopefully a job!

last night was really eye opening. i think the first 2 days of 2010 have already got me sitting up and paying attention to things that i have purposely neglected before but cant do so anymore. thank you for making me realise that. i love you so much :*

time to think.. and read

2010-01-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

somehow.. im grateful for everything that happened last night.

i hope you know that

2010-01-02T03:52:00.000-08:00

please let monday come faster so that i can...

1) Drive like michael shumacher in a toyota vios for the first of many times in my first driving lesson! who wants to watch me move up the gears like a pro, honk at any hot chick along the road or shriek like an old aunty whenever i see a harmless bird or cat in front of me? no one i guess!

2) Go for the caas talk. and establish to both my mum and more importantly MYSELF that i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to do with my life! and that i have to decide sooner OR (not "rather than") later

3) Meet up with 66 homies at night at roxane's place! yay!

and i cant wait for vietnam, just hope that i recover in time.

ironically i cant wait to come back from vietnam too:) because ill get to see you:*

2010-01-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

there comes a time in everybody's life where we HAVE to grow up and stop acting like scene kids. the need to fit in is something everyone experiences through their teenage years. but not to this extent. it is so sad, to see your best friend(s) fall victim to that whole cause of being a bad-ass/cool/fresh/unique whatever it is and losing that friendship. up till today, i still dont see what that night did for anyone. because apparently me showing my feelings crying and saying those things didnt get through to ANYONE?? i guess not because the same thing happened the next day.. and the day after that.. and the day after that...

...

sigh, is this time i grow up? after all, if there is anything i learnt from 2009, it was that we ALL have a right to be selfish at some point or another. does this mean that ill just move on from you guys? i mean its not like ill ever embrace the things that you do, thats a definite fact.

caas talk on monday. one of the few organisations that i even have a SLIGHT interest in. but if its only a slight interest, then why bother even attending? there are bound to be many other people who want this more than me.

sigh.

2009-12-31T23:03:00.000-08:00

bangkok was fun! couldve been better though.

but the shopping was good!:) bought 6 tops, 5 bottoms (or 5 tops 6 bottoms cant remember!), a pair of shades, a pair of slippers for SOMEONE and a pair of shoes! all in TWO full shopping days! the other two were spent slacking in the hotel and waiting for our plane. quite a fun holiday i must say! quite sad that this is like my last holiday with my mum for the next two years :( i realised how old she has grown, but yet shes still as accommodating to both me and binghaos requests and needs.. which are completely different! so grateful to have her:)

anyway! HAPPY NEW YEAR! i have thought through carefully about how 2009 has came and passed so quickly. grateful for all the new friends ive met! hockey dudes, soccer dudes and of course deborah:) and not forgetting my old skool peeps JONNY CHESTER AND YUNSONG! and the djies, julian, leon and andrea :) grateful for my improved relationship with my mother too. and thank god.. I DONT HAVE TO WEAR A UNIFORM ANYMORE HAHAH TAKE THAT MOE!(kidding)

hopefully with army beckoning in 2010 i can make good time of my life before april 26, write music and continue to have good times with my family and friends! and establish connections with people that have drifted away for some reason or another namely adi brian boon and yvette:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-12-27T01:22:00.000-08:00

listening to evangelion by behemoth which aditya kindly burned for me last week.

their songs.. except for the drums of course are actually quite simple, and based over a simple riff with many fill ins in-between. yet they still are able to get their message across each song and some are really epic and sound like they belong in 300 or something. good stuff, still gotta get used to it though.

flying off to bangkok tomorrow, quite excited but devastated at the fact that ive yet to pack.. a single thing!

and yesterday's party at djies house was overloaded with alcohol and too little drinkers. as usual, yours truly drank abit too much too early on and so the rest of the night seemed a little sloowwwowo. but it was still good fun!

okay gotta head to my grandmas place, come back to pack, play guitar and hopefully go for a run or to the gym tomorrow morning :)

2009-12-25T01:37:00.000-08:00

damn you W.B.H, you're the worst brother anyone could ever have.

seriously.

i didnt think that ill ever reach a point in my life where i could actually tell that there is no chance of me having any relations with a particular individual.

guess that time has come.

(Y)

christmas eve was fun at bishan (hey it rhymes!) with deborah yesterday :D caught sherlock holmes, such a good movie. extremly witty! im inspired to read the books now!

merry christmas all :)

2009-12-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

i think that i grew up too fast. the past 2 years have been.. quite life changing.

2009-12-21T20:09:00.001-08:00

after a long time,

im posting again because im sure less than 5 people still read this shitty space on the world-wide-web.

so thank god i guess this is kinda private, or rather a place where i can just express my delusions about the rat race that is life, all of my happiness, pain, weaknesses, strengths etc.. you get the bloody idea.

and no kids, im not "trying" to be vulgar, ive come to accept that is who i am.

and yet im dating this angel, this model of the most perfect girl i could ever meet, and thank god for her. i love her. and i care for her with all my heart. good times :) im afraid i may not meet anyone else better than her.. that would be scary because nothing lasts forever and one day we will come to an end. sigh.

moving on. the bands picking up the pace. even though boonyew is going in to army very very soon followed by brian and then aditya. i guess i cant call us "polarix" now and since we still havent decided on a name, ill just call us "the band". L4D after each writing session now is so damn bloody fun. DIE ZOMBIES. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEE!!!!!!!!!!!

i miss my angel, and im sickkkkkkkkkk ugh